ren amamiya (au) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
willowandoak) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
personavelvetroomdr2024-03-31 09:38 pm
willowandoak) wrote in personavelvetroomdr2024-03-31 09:38 pm
'cause laughing, right now, it's all that i have
content warnings: drug misuse, self-harm (both very mild/mentioned). (Also, Ren is going to develop a Palace in the no-longer-so-distant future so this is generally not a lighthearted post.)
So maybe Ren's had a few things going on lately. What about it? It's none of your business, and it's not a big deal. He's fine, actually. Back off.
Like, it's not that things aren't weird. His sleep has been restless and broken for months, and it's only getting worse. He wakes from nightmares he doesn't remember, terrified or murderously angry or filled with such despair that he can barely breathe. By now it happens over and over every night, until after days of it he's so exhausted that he takes three different sleeping pills at once. Which sucks differently, because then he can't wake up from the nightmares at all. They're always the same: He's trapped in a place where he can't see or hear or move, with all his worst, most secret thoughts taking substance and choking him, and with a skin-crawling sense that he's not alone and his unseen company's not friendly. He doesn't forget about the dreams when he wakes up after he's taken the pills, but! He's rested on those mornings. Relatively speaking. So it's fine. He knows what to do when the insomnia gets too bad. Barely even a problem.
(Recently, every time he jolts awake, he could swear there's something in the room with him. A figure he only sees out of the corner of his eye, that vanishes the next second. But then again, sleep deprivation is meant to make you lose it. So maybe he should knock himself out with the pills more often, but so far the mysterious hallucination hasn't actually done anything. And the sleeping pill nightmare really sucks. So you see, he has the situation under control.)
The loss of his first Persona is harder to ignore, the gaping wound in his heart where Owain once rested. But whatever. It was always gonna happen eventually. Ren's not the kid who awakened to Owain anymore. He was stupid to even be surprised. He'll get used to it.
He's distractible and fidgety, unable to really concentrate on anything because he keeps thinking about—stuff that's not important. He's pretty sure he's annoying Futaba, so he tries to focus, but everything is just so... so much. He's so much, but at the same time he's made of air. He can't turn away from it all like he could before that month or so when he was twelve.
But if he tries hard, he can act basically the same way. He's pretty sure he can pull it off. He just needs to work harder. So no issues there either, at least as far as anyone else has to be concerned.
Today, though, he's decided to have a day out. He hasn't gone out much in a while. Maybe that's the problem. He has five cities at his fingertips, where he can do whatever he likes. Except for any of the things he really wants to do, but besides those. Who knows, maybe he'll be less restless afterwards. Maybe he just needs to get this fucking... whatever this feeling is. Out of his system. Yeah.
1. where you see weakness, i see wit
Late morning finds him outside the angular grey-and-glass monolith of Shibuya Police Station, his bag weighed down by all the cans of spray paint he could manage to stuff inside it. Just looking at the fucking place makes his skin crawl, SHIBUYA POLICE STATION in unadorned, menacing kanji above the entrance and the height of the building like a malevolent god bending to observe him. It's almost enough to get him to draw his gun and shatter the glass door. Just because he fucking can. But he doesn't want to waste the bullets, so instead, baring his teeth in a grin, he reaches blindly into his bag and pulls out a can of spray paint.
He starts small, defacing the door and the front wall with insults and obscene phrases. But by the time he runs out of space—which happens soon; the front wall is tiny—he's gotten bored and is ready to put his limited artistic skills to use.
Dogs is the word some of his friends use. You don't say it in mixed company; you might as well just admit you're involved in organized crime as use some of the slang Ren knows. But with people you're sure of, yeah. The cops are fucking dogs. Ren dumps his collection of paint cans out of his bag onto the ground, picks up a brown can, and starts work on a crude but recognizable dog.
It's gonna take a little while, though. And he has some thoughts about what to add after that. Anyone could walk by and see him in the meantime, or see the front of the station and follow the trail of vandalism.
2. they'll speak of me in whispered tones and say my name like it shakes their bones
It's not that he thought vandalizing the police station would heal him or whatever, but he kind of hoped it would make him calm down. But that would be too easy; the itch in his bones only gets worse, the anger and the helplessness and the hatred louder and louder and louder until he's gazing out at Shibuya, its fake people and fake ads and fake traffic, and all of it silent.
Fine. He has a better idea.
His second idea carries him into parts of Tokyo where few of the real people here have cause to go, although as the afternoon carries on, they might encounter smashed and looted soda machines in unexpected places. And perhaps, in the distance, they might hear the cracking and rumbling of collapsing architecture. But by the time anyone reaches the buildings in question, they'll find cognitive orphans moving through partly-destroyed children's homes as if the homes are totally intact, with no sign of whoever or whatever did the damage.
The exception is the final building, right at the edge of Shinjuku. That's a more frequently-travelled destination, and moreover, the sounds of destruction go on for minutes before they stop. If someone should happen to follow the noise, or just chance upon him, they'll find Ren with his red Evoker in his hand and an eerie, spindly-limbed Persona towering behind him. The Persona's body is covered in scales that look black but don't reflect light the way they should, and its head takes the shape of a gleaming animal skull, the exact species of which is difficult to pin down. As Ren watches with fixed, wide-eyed hunger, the Persona calls down a series of blue-white Almighty animals, a bear and a bull and a wolf and a dragon and then again from the start, to smash the building before them into finer and finer rubble.
Or perhaps you arrive later, in which case the Persona has gone and the building is little more than gravel and splintered wood, but not much has changed about Ren. He'll stand there for a long time, if he's not interrupted, just staring.
3. you are in the earth of me
It's evening by the time he's done with all of that. And he's practically in Shinjuku anyway. He might as well get drunk.
He no longer feels like he needs to peel off his own skin to let the restless energy escape, so that's something. But now he's just—tired. He misses his Akechi like a miner in a collapsed shaft misses fresh air. You can get by for a while without it, but eventually...
Then again, he could go home tonight and it wouldn't matter. If everything goes according to plan, Akechi will never look at him the same way again. He doesn't like to think about it. And usually he can manage not to, more or less. To some extent. Well enough to get by, anyway. But tonight is a bad night; thus, the trip to Crossroads.
You might encounter him on the way there. Or maybe you're at Crossroads too, and you only see him once he comes through the door and plops down at a barstool.
So maybe Ren's had a few things going on lately. What about it? It's none of your business, and it's not a big deal. He's fine, actually. Back off.
Like, it's not that things aren't weird. His sleep has been restless and broken for months, and it's only getting worse. He wakes from nightmares he doesn't remember, terrified or murderously angry or filled with such despair that he can barely breathe. By now it happens over and over every night, until after days of it he's so exhausted that he takes three different sleeping pills at once. Which sucks differently, because then he can't wake up from the nightmares at all. They're always the same: He's trapped in a place where he can't see or hear or move, with all his worst, most secret thoughts taking substance and choking him, and with a skin-crawling sense that he's not alone and his unseen company's not friendly. He doesn't forget about the dreams when he wakes up after he's taken the pills, but! He's rested on those mornings. Relatively speaking. So it's fine. He knows what to do when the insomnia gets too bad. Barely even a problem.
(Recently, every time he jolts awake, he could swear there's something in the room with him. A figure he only sees out of the corner of his eye, that vanishes the next second. But then again, sleep deprivation is meant to make you lose it. So maybe he should knock himself out with the pills more often, but so far the mysterious hallucination hasn't actually done anything. And the sleeping pill nightmare really sucks. So you see, he has the situation under control.)
The loss of his first Persona is harder to ignore, the gaping wound in his heart where Owain once rested. But whatever. It was always gonna happen eventually. Ren's not the kid who awakened to Owain anymore. He was stupid to even be surprised. He'll get used to it.
He's distractible and fidgety, unable to really concentrate on anything because he keeps thinking about—stuff that's not important. He's pretty sure he's annoying Futaba, so he tries to focus, but everything is just so... so much. He's so much, but at the same time he's made of air. He can't turn away from it all like he could before that month or so when he was twelve.
But if he tries hard, he can act basically the same way. He's pretty sure he can pull it off. He just needs to work harder. So no issues there either, at least as far as anyone else has to be concerned.
Today, though, he's decided to have a day out. He hasn't gone out much in a while. Maybe that's the problem. He has five cities at his fingertips, where he can do whatever he likes. Except for any of the things he really wants to do, but besides those. Who knows, maybe he'll be less restless afterwards. Maybe he just needs to get this fucking... whatever this feeling is. Out of his system. Yeah.
1. where you see weakness, i see wit
Late morning finds him outside the angular grey-and-glass monolith of Shibuya Police Station, his bag weighed down by all the cans of spray paint he could manage to stuff inside it. Just looking at the fucking place makes his skin crawl, SHIBUYA POLICE STATION in unadorned, menacing kanji above the entrance and the height of the building like a malevolent god bending to observe him. It's almost enough to get him to draw his gun and shatter the glass door. Just because he fucking can. But he doesn't want to waste the bullets, so instead, baring his teeth in a grin, he reaches blindly into his bag and pulls out a can of spray paint.
He starts small, defacing the door and the front wall with insults and obscene phrases. But by the time he runs out of space—which happens soon; the front wall is tiny—he's gotten bored and is ready to put his limited artistic skills to use.
Dogs is the word some of his friends use. You don't say it in mixed company; you might as well just admit you're involved in organized crime as use some of the slang Ren knows. But with people you're sure of, yeah. The cops are fucking dogs. Ren dumps his collection of paint cans out of his bag onto the ground, picks up a brown can, and starts work on a crude but recognizable dog.
It's gonna take a little while, though. And he has some thoughts about what to add after that. Anyone could walk by and see him in the meantime, or see the front of the station and follow the trail of vandalism.
2. they'll speak of me in whispered tones and say my name like it shakes their bones
It's not that he thought vandalizing the police station would heal him or whatever, but he kind of hoped it would make him calm down. But that would be too easy; the itch in his bones only gets worse, the anger and the helplessness and the hatred louder and louder and louder until he's gazing out at Shibuya, its fake people and fake ads and fake traffic, and all of it silent.
Fine. He has a better idea.
His second idea carries him into parts of Tokyo where few of the real people here have cause to go, although as the afternoon carries on, they might encounter smashed and looted soda machines in unexpected places. And perhaps, in the distance, they might hear the cracking and rumbling of collapsing architecture. But by the time anyone reaches the buildings in question, they'll find cognitive orphans moving through partly-destroyed children's homes as if the homes are totally intact, with no sign of whoever or whatever did the damage.
The exception is the final building, right at the edge of Shinjuku. That's a more frequently-travelled destination, and moreover, the sounds of destruction go on for minutes before they stop. If someone should happen to follow the noise, or just chance upon him, they'll find Ren with his red Evoker in his hand and an eerie, spindly-limbed Persona towering behind him. The Persona's body is covered in scales that look black but don't reflect light the way they should, and its head takes the shape of a gleaming animal skull, the exact species of which is difficult to pin down. As Ren watches with fixed, wide-eyed hunger, the Persona calls down a series of blue-white Almighty animals, a bear and a bull and a wolf and a dragon and then again from the start, to smash the building before them into finer and finer rubble.
Or perhaps you arrive later, in which case the Persona has gone and the building is little more than gravel and splintered wood, but not much has changed about Ren. He'll stand there for a long time, if he's not interrupted, just staring.
3. you are in the earth of me
It's evening by the time he's done with all of that. And he's practically in Shinjuku anyway. He might as well get drunk.
He no longer feels like he needs to peel off his own skin to let the restless energy escape, so that's something. But now he's just—tired. He misses his Akechi like a miner in a collapsed shaft misses fresh air. You can get by for a while without it, but eventually...
Then again, he could go home tonight and it wouldn't matter. If everything goes according to plan, Akechi will never look at him the same way again. He doesn't like to think about it. And usually he can manage not to, more or less. To some extent. Well enough to get by, anyway. But tonight is a bad night; thus, the trip to Crossroads.
You might encounter him on the way there. Or maybe you're at Crossroads too, and you only see him once he comes through the door and plops down at a barstool.
no subject
"You okay, dude?"
no subject
"Hmm? Yes, I'm fine... Why wouldn't I be?"
There's another pause, though this one's more conscious. He's more clearly thinking during it, and he looks off to the side as it clicks.
He said or did something odd or contradictory, of course. He should have realized it sooner.
"Ah. Apologies, I must sound rather strange in comparison to what you're used to."
no subject
no subject
"That butterfly wouldn't have happened to be Lavenza, would it? I've encountered her as a butterfly."
Honestly, he hasn't even heard of this dead Akechi... Has he? It's hard to say...
"I suppose you are right though. It's always going to be strange, hearing of another world and perspective... even when they're similar to your own, such as with Sparrow and myself."
He can't help but think about it. How their worlds are similar, how they're similar, and yet Sparrow has things he doesn't... just as he has things Sparrow doesn't. They've got different pieces to their own puzzles.
no subject
Ren props his elbow on the bar and drops his cheek into his hand, watching Akechi for a reaction. He never got to learn much about Lavenza, and he was always kind of curious.
no subject
"Truth be told we haven't spoken much, but she is acting as Igor's attendant in the Velvet Room back home. It was thanks to her that I was able to make any sort of progress."
Now there's a more interesting reaction... He looks away, thinking to himself. A more wistful look strikes his face.
no subject
Might as well ask. Dove doesn't seem like he's quick to take offense.
no subject
There's a quiet pause as he considers whether or not to continue... but he realizes that he can't just drop that and leave Ren hanging. With a quiet sigh, he continues.
"...In my world, Amamiya-san was erased from everyone's memories, including mine. It is only thanks to Lavenza that I was able to find him sleeping away in Leblanc's attic, and remember him at all."
He looks back at Ren, frowning a bit.
"The short of it is that he can't awaken, and that I'm trying to find a way to not only awaken him, but to also restore my world to its rightful state after what was done to it."
'And what he may have done to my memory', he silently thinks. He purses his lips as he thinks it, a sense of bitterness creeping into his eyes.
no subject
He's not sure Dove even knows. The only other people he's met from a broken world are Sparrow and his Ren, and Sparrow isn't even allowed to think about what went wrong. By his own admission, Dove's memories are altered as well...
no subject
It's said rather calmly, but the look in his eyes seems to grow more tired just thinking about it.
"...Or at least, that seems to be what all accounts are pointing to. Truth be told, I have no proof of it besides Amamiya-san and the situation he's in... and even that doesn't count as 'proof' per say."
In other words, even he doesn't know what's entirely going on... much to his frustration, which slowly becomes more visible on his face.
"I haven't made much progress beyond learning that it could be his doing, and that he was stopped in other worlds."
He looks away again, shaking his head a bit. Trying to shake the mental fog away. He always feels like he has one to some degree... Perhaps because he's always fighting the actualization...
no subject
"I really am gonna kill that guy when I get back," he mumbles, more to himself than to Akechi. "Fucking Maruki. What the fuck."
no subject
"From the way it sounds, you are familiar with him, then..."
Not that he can entirely blame Ren for the sentiment, given he has his own misgivings about Maruki.
"...Truth be told, I'm still uncertain why he did such a thing. There was some theorizing that my world's Amamiya-san was unable to make the necessary choice in time, and was put into his sleep to spare him the pain of agonizing... but even that is just a theory."