'cause laughing, right now, it's all that i have

[willowandoak]

content warnings: drug misuse, self-harm (both very mild/mentioned). (Also, Ren is going to develop a Palace in the no-longer-so-distant future so this is generally not a lighthearted post.)


So maybe Ren's had a few things going on lately. What about it? It's none of your business, and it's not a big deal. He's fine, actually. Back off.

Like, it's not that things aren't weird. His sleep has been restless and broken for months, and it's only getting worse. He wakes from nightmares he doesn't remember, terrified or murderously angry or filled with such despair that he can barely breathe. By now it happens over and over every night, until after days of it he's so exhausted that he takes three different sleeping pills at once. Which sucks differently, because then he can't wake up from the nightmares at all. They're always the same: He's trapped in a place where he can't see or hear or move, with all his worst, most secret thoughts taking substance and choking him, and with a skin-crawling sense that he's not alone and his unseen company's not friendly. He doesn't forget about the dreams when he wakes up after he's taken the pills, but! He's rested on those mornings. Relatively speaking. So it's fine. He knows what to do when the insomnia gets too bad. Barely even a problem.

(Recently, every time he jolts awake, he could swear there's something in the room with him. A figure he only sees out of the corner of his eye, that vanishes the next second. But then again, sleep deprivation is meant to make you lose it. So maybe he should knock himself out with the pills more often, but so far the mysterious hallucination hasn't actually done anything. And the sleeping pill nightmare really sucks. So you see, he has the situation under control.)

The loss of his first Persona is harder to ignore, the gaping wound in his heart where Owain once rested. But whatever. It was always gonna happen eventually. Ren's not the kid who awakened to Owain anymore. He was stupid to even be surprised. He'll get used to it.

He's distractible and fidgety, unable to really concentrate on anything because he keeps thinking about—stuff that's not important. He's pretty sure he's annoying Futaba, so he tries to focus, but everything is just so... so much. He's so much, but at the same time he's made of air. He can't turn away from it all like he could before that month or so when he was twelve.

But if he tries hard, he can act basically the same way. He's pretty sure he can pull it off. He just needs to work harder. So no issues there either, at least as far as anyone else has to be concerned.

Today, though, he's decided to have a day out. He hasn't gone out much in a while. Maybe that's the problem. He has five cities at his fingertips, where he can do whatever he likes. Except for any of the things he really wants to do, but besides those. Who knows, maybe he'll be less restless afterwards. Maybe he just needs to get this fucking... whatever this feeling is. Out of his system. Yeah.


1. where you see weakness, i see wit

Late morning finds him outside the angular grey-and-glass monolith of Shibuya Police Station, his bag weighed down by all the cans of spray paint he could manage to stuff inside it. Just looking at the fucking place makes his skin crawl, SHIBUYA POLICE STATION in unadorned, menacing kanji above the entrance and the height of the building like a malevolent god bending to observe him. It's almost enough to get him to draw his gun and shatter the glass door. Just because he fucking can. But he doesn't want to waste the bullets, so instead, baring his teeth in a grin, he reaches blindly into his bag and pulls out a can of spray paint.

He starts small, defacing the door and the front wall with insults and obscene phrases. But by the time he runs out of space—which happens soon; the front wall is tiny—he's gotten bored and is ready to put his limited artistic skills to use.

Dogs is the word some of his friends use. You don't say it in mixed company; you might as well just admit you're involved in organized crime as use some of the slang Ren knows. But with people you're sure of, yeah. The cops are fucking dogs. Ren dumps his collection of paint cans out of his bag onto the ground, picks up a brown can, and starts work on a crude but recognizable dog.

It's gonna take a little while, though. And he has some thoughts about what to add after that. Anyone could walk by and see him in the meantime, or see the front of the station and follow the trail of vandalism.


2. they'll speak of me in whispered tones and say my name like it shakes their bones

It's not that he thought vandalizing the police station would heal him or whatever, but he kind of hoped it would make him calm down. But that would be too easy; the itch in his bones only gets worse, the anger and the helplessness and the hatred louder and louder and louder until he's gazing out at Shibuya, its fake people and fake ads and fake traffic, and all of it silent.

Fine. He has a better idea.

His second idea carries him into parts of Tokyo where few of the real people here have cause to go, although as the afternoon carries on, they might encounter smashed and looted soda machines in unexpected places. And perhaps, in the distance, they might hear the cracking and rumbling of collapsing architecture. But by the time anyone reaches the buildings in question, they'll find cognitive orphans moving through partly-destroyed children's homes as if the homes are totally intact, with no sign of whoever or whatever did the damage.

The exception is the final building, right at the edge of Shinjuku. That's a more frequently-travelled destination, and moreover, the sounds of destruction go on for minutes before they stop. If someone should happen to follow the noise, or just chance upon him, they'll find Ren with his red Evoker in his hand and an eerie, spindly-limbed Persona towering behind him. The Persona's body is covered in scales that look black but don't reflect light the way they should, and its head takes the shape of a gleaming animal skull, the exact species of which is difficult to pin down. As Ren watches with fixed, wide-eyed hunger, the Persona calls down a series of blue-white Almighty animals, a bear and a bull and a wolf and a dragon and then again from the start, to smash the building before them into finer and finer rubble.

Or perhaps you arrive later, in which case the Persona has gone and the building is little more than gravel and splintered wood, but not much has changed about Ren. He'll stand there for a long time, if he's not interrupted, just staring.


3. you are in the earth of me

It's evening by the time he's done with all of that. And he's practically in Shinjuku anyway. He might as well get drunk.

He no longer feels like he needs to peel off his own skin to let the restless energy escape, so that's something. But now he's just—tired. He misses his Akechi like a miner in a collapsed shaft misses fresh air. You can get by for a while without it, but eventually...

Then again, he could go home tonight and it wouldn't matter. If everything goes according to plan, Akechi will never look at him the same way again. He doesn't like to think about it. And usually he can manage not to, more or less. To some extent. Well enough to get by, anyway. But tonight is a bad night; thus, the trip to Crossroads.

You might encounter him on the way there. Or maybe you're at Crossroads too, and you only see him once he comes through the door and plops down at a barstool.

Comments

[nyxavatarmakoto]

Makoto had decided to take a trip back to Shinjuku after long. He doesn't really have a reason to be there other than the things that Rose had mentioned about what might be going on with Ren. He still needs to contact that Noir person that Rose told him to contact too...

He notices a smashed vending machine or two that seems to stop when he gets too far into Shinjuku. It's probably not terribly important.

Wandering along he thinks he sees Ren head into a bar. Stepping closer he sees the sign with the word Crossroads on it come into view. So his eyes weren't wrong and Ren had come out of the liquor store the last time Makoto saw him.

No matter. He steps into the bar as quietly as he can, not really sure how to go about well....any of what's going on with Ren. He thinks he notices an Evoker on Ren's person which definitely isn't settling, but he takes a seat pretty close to Ren without a word. Ren looks exhausted.

[willowandoak]

Ren hears the door open and close, but he only stirs when the newcomer sits down next to him. He glances to the side, away from the door to the backroom, which hopefully Akira-senpai will be coming out of soon; the exhaustion on his face lifts a little when he sees who it is.

"Hey. What's going on?"

[nyxavatarmakoto]

"Not much." Which is true. He met a Ken that was kind of odd but other than that and everything going on with Ren himself there really wasn't much. "What have you been up to?" Makoto asks.

[seekerofjustice]

It's been a long day for Dove, having spent most of it toiling and grinding through Mementos solo. Truly an exhausting endeavor, and he hasn't even made it to the next layer yet.

It's so... so frustrating. He knows he should be stronger than this. He still can't quite figure out why Robin Hood feels so much weaker than when he and the rest of the Phantom Thieves faced Shido (If he even did, part of him quietly adds).

So what's he to do on an evening when he's frustrated? Why not try to visit a friend? He's found himself in the Shinjuku area, and Crossroads is nearby... Perhaps Akira is there, and wouldn't mind some company.

So he opens the door to the bar in question, he intends on a casual visit. He speaks up with a pleasant tone, doing his best to mask his tiredness.

"Hello? Akira-san?"

Alas, Dove doesn't find him here as he steps into the store properly...

[willowandoak]

Ren glances over his shoulder at the sound of Akechi's voice. "I think he's out," he offers. "I'm waiting on him, too."

So much for escaping Akechi thoughts. He takes the opportunity to give Akechi a quick once-over and decides this one is new to him. Something about his bearing... He's not like Sparrow, exactly, but he's not like a typical Akechi either. Ren turns on his stool to face him more fully. "I'm Ren, by the way."

[seekerofjustice]

Dove can't help but pause when he sees Ren. Even now it still feels odd seeing a Ren or Akira.

"Oh, I see. In that case, I suppose I'll wait as well."

So he takes a seat a couple of stools away from Ren, turning to look at him properly with a polite smile, once again akin to the ones on TV.

"It's a pleasure, Ren-san. I've been using the name 'Dove' during my time here."

Another Ren though... This is the second one he's met. He can't help but find himself curious about them both...

And yet now that he's here, with a Ren, he's finding it difficult to find the questions he wants to ask. Being drained doesn't help that.

"...Being here, in the Velvet Room... It's quite an experience, isn't it? I've been here for over a month, and I still find myself in awe of it."

He doesn't say it outright, but wow is it draining. Mentally and physically, between the mental gymnastics required and the training he's been undergoing.

...Or perhaps the extent of mental gymnastics required are a problem only he has to face, seeing as he's been actualized.

[thedevilinyourdetails]

Well...his luck had to run out sometime. When he finally gets back to Shinjuku, he finds Dove already there, waiting for him.

"Oh, hey. What's up?"

1

[lilcomputer]

Futaba started to gain the confidence to go out again, the reason unknown or at least well hidden. She noticed the spray paint. It wasn't like someone she knew who would do that.

No, she took that back, she two two people who were up for something like that. She went down the trail of the mess. She made sure to have her steps make sound as she traveled. It wouldn't be fun scaring someone after all.

She was right about one of the people who was doing this. "Amamiya-san?" She asked tilting her head in the fashion that her older version did too. There was something about him that made her remember home. The place she hadn't thought of going in a long while now. Why did he remind her of that in this state?

"Having fun?"

[willowandoak]

"Oh—Futaba-chan."

He pauses, surprised, his finger still holding down the trigger of the spray paint can. Brown paint starts to drip down the wall, and with a grimace, he belatedly lifts his finger. Thank fuck she didn't find him while he was spraying curse words over the front door. Phoenix might murder him. With his... bird claws.

Then again, Phoenix might not care. Do Akechis care about kids' language? Well, Crow, probably. But besides him...?

"Yeah," he tells little Futaba. "It's pretty fun. Wanna help?"

As soon as the words leave his lips, he remembers all the signs about masks and protecting your lungs that he'd happily ignored as he left the paint store. Hm.

1

[pancakeboy]

Unfortunately, Ren will be distracted by a roar of wheels and a screech of brakes, as Akechi comes to a halt behind him on his motorbike, unrecognisable in black-and-red leather and a helmet—unless you know who he is.

Despite the execrable company, a laugh rises in his throat, quickly silenced. He's surprised he never thought of this one. Sure, the art is terrible, and sure, it brings back shit he hates to remember, brings back shit he doesn't want to remember, but... why did he never think to do this?

[willowandoak]

From the sound of screeching tires, Ren figures he's going to turn around to see one of what he's started to call the Akechi Biker Gang. And he's not wrong. But the guy is just... standing there, staring at the defaced wall. The only Akechi who's a confirmed member of the gang is Crane, who wouldn't act like that around Ren and whose gear looks different anyway. So this is a Mystery Akechi.

"Always happy to make a fan laugh," he tells Mystery Akechi. He's too tired for the flirtation he used to try out with every Akechi, but he manages a smile.

2

[fogbornphantom]

Crow doesn't like to spend too much time in Shinjuku. Bad memories linger here. Setting aside his visits to Lala and crucial case work, he rather liked to stay clear. However, the longer he stays here, the further he tends to wander, partially for curiosity, and partially to busy himself when he isn't caring for children or dedicating his nights to expressing his love to his boyfriend.

He intended to zoom through Shinjuku on his motorcycle to enjoy the speed and the thrills of tearing through a district that once made him feel so small. However, the sight of that frankly unsettling Persona drives the motorbike to a stop.

Quite an impressive attack, to be sure. Certainly more intimidating than the deceptively cute bears Alice summons. After a moment spent watching in awe, he dismounts his motorcycle and removes his helmet.

"Rather an imposing Persona you have there. Then again, I suppose Loki is no different in that respect."

[willowandoak]

Ren freezes at the sound of Crow's voice, although he was so still to begin with that it's barely noticeable. Of all the times for Crow to show up—Ren can't pretend now, not when half of him is still in the cell beneath the children's home that Veles is crushing into dust. The cell, and the Palace the building became, where he first awakened to Veles. Back to their roots.

He blinks a few times. Glances behind him at Veles, not coincidentally turning away from Crow to do so, as he tucks his Evoker into the back of his jeans again. Veles regards him in turn, dim lights gleaming in the sockets of the animal skull.

It's fine. He's got this. He can act normal. He turns to face Crow. But he's pale and exhausted-looking, his eyes are still wide and blank, and when he tries to smile, his mouth won't move.

"Thanks." Now say something about Loki, he prompts himself, and he knows that's right—lighthearted, taking the focus off himself—but the words won't come. "Nice bike," is what he says instead. He's meeting the whole Akechi biker gang today.

2

[phantomlotus]

Ren finds herself near Shinjuku during the afternoon, just feeling the urge to see familiar sights. Sure, Shinjuku is a rough place back home, but here there's no risk factor. It's just a place, like any other she could visit.

She could check out the movie theater, maybe. What kinds of movies could be shown here?

But her train of thought comes to a stop when she hears what sounds like rumbling in the distance.

"...?!"

She wastes no time rushing that way, only to find what looks like another Ren... and a Persona?!

Her eyes widen as she processes it, wondering how someone could even summon a Persona outside the Metaverse. There's also the fact that it's such an ominous Persona, so different from her own... but she quickly regains herself. She stays a distance away, and speaks up.

"Blowing off steam?"

If the other Ren turns, he'll see a Ren with long hair, light makeup, and a more feminine gray coat looking at him with a level expression. It's hard to gauge what she's thinking, but it seems like she's gauging the other Ren.

[willowandoak]

The dragon breathes fire over the children's home one last time, sending a wall crashing down, and the cycle of animals stops. Ren turns to face the voice, and blinks when he sees someone who's recognizably another him, but dressed in... well, Ren wears stuff like that sometimes, and he has a similar wig. It doesn't have to mean anything more than that.

Belatedly, he processes what new-Ren (or new-Akira...?) actually said. "Something like that." He rummages in his bag and pulls out a can of soda, popping the tab and downing half of it at once. Energy flows back into him; he finishes the can and drops it on the ground, where it joins the small pile of empty soda cans that's accumulated there. He brought them to restore energy, but in an attempt to make a good impression, he pulls out another one from his bag and offers it to the new Ren. "Nice to meet you. I like the clothes. Do you usually dress like that, or...?"

Listen, how the hell else is he supposed to ask, So are you a girl, or do you just dress like one sometimes?

He still looks like he's not quite there, unblinking and not quite focused. He hasn't dismissed Veles, who stares at the new Ren from behind him, unmoving except for the glimmer of light deep in the eye sockets of the animal skull.

2, cw: slight graphical content, implied suicidal thoughts

[vessel_ken_amada]

That day, Ken was feeling particularly frustrated and restless. The lack of any meaningful progress in furthering his goals was slowly driving him mad, and on top of that, he had gotten up on the wrong foot. Weeks of repressed stress and anxiety were taking their toll on him, too.

...

He felt like he was about to burst, to expand, to shrink, he felt like he needed to explode everything, to fall back on himself, to shout, to stay quiet, he felt like he should get help, he should disappear for good, he felt he felt he felt

...

No, I need to do something. I can't let it end here.

...

He stopped feeling.

...

Well, not exactly, but in contrast to before, it was as if. He only felt that slight buzzing in the background, that feeling of light floatiness, and above all, the determination to do what needed to be done.

Now was time to think and make a plan to move forward.

...

He should leave. Where he lived was too close to other people. He felt like he shouldn't be close to other people. He didn't remember exactly why, but it was a strong feeling.

(The crunch of broken bones and the smell of spilled blood-)

...

He sneaked out of where he lived. Not wanting to repeat the mistakes from before, where Raven caught him, he left through a window, being careful to be in the neighboring house's blind spot. He then went to the Velvet Room, and chose a door at random. What mattered was getting a way.

He ended up erring in Tokyo's streets, thinking, focusing on his mission, his goals. He had to figure out the steps forward, he couldn't resign himself to being a prisoner forever, he had to-

Loud noises took him out of his thoughts. He decided to investigate. Maybe it would be useful intel. By the time he arrived (he didn't know the area very well), the noises had just stopped. What he saw was a completely leveled building, and a stranger resembling Ren with some weird gun in hand, looking at the ruins. Likely the one responsible for the noise and destruction.

...

[willowandoak]

It takes Ren a long moment to notice he's being watched. That's dangerous. In his defense...

...He doesn't have a defense. If being in this place is going to make him lose track of his surroundings, he shouldn't come.

Anyway, the point is, he doesn't notice the kid for a while, but eventually he becomes aware of a presence off to the side. He glances sharply over, hand tightening around the Evoker—but it's just some kid he's never seen before, younger than Raven (younger than he was, than That Akechi was) but closer to that age than to Aki-chan.

He tucks the Evoker into the back of his jeans. No matter how much his skin crawls while he stands on this street, he doesn't need to keep weapons out around little kids. "Hey," he says. "Don't think we've met."

The kid doesn't look so good, actually. Ren can relate.

1. where you see weakness, i see wit

[gorobo]

Walking by the police station had been an impulsive decision on Falcon's part.

While the world seemed to have cognitive versions of some people he knew, it didn't have them of others, and he supposed he'd simply been... curious. Not all his contacts at the police were bad ones, even if most of them were...

'And honestly, I'd love to shoot down some of these dogs. One day, perhaps. When my body doesn't go against my mind anymore.'

Speaking of dogs... he notices someone crudely spraypainting one on the side of the police station, and the audacity should surprise him, but also, it doesn't. Who's going to stop them- an Amamiya, he notices- anyway?

How dare he deface property of Shido-san like that!

... Ah, right. Even if Falcon can't help but agree with the messages being painted on the building, Shido's bug doesn't quite agree. Before he knows it, his body twists itself towards Amamiya, walking over, mouth twisting into a neutral frown of disaproval and voicebox crackling to life.

"Vandalism is a crime, you know," he chides, "you shouldn't deface the city like that."

Hah. Deface. As if it isn't an improvement. It's the truth, if nothing else.

[willowandoak]

Ren stares at Akechi, incredulous, paint from his half-completed dog dripping down the grey wall. He's met some weird fucking Akechis while he's been here, but not even Sparrow got upset about the legality of what he was doing.

"Fuck," he says. "I didn't realize. I'd hate to be a criminal."

3

[herewardbound]

He didn't particularly like visiting this area of Shinjuku. But he needed, at present, a place to cool down, and this was the best of many terrible options. Nobody he knew lived nearby, and he was familiar enough that he wouldn't get lost.

After the shit-show that was that meeting with 'Kasumi', he was almost inclined to drink- but that wasn't a solution, and it wouldn't make him feel better.

All this and more, was the reason he'd chosen, largely at random, this specific side street to wander into, sprawl atop a parked car, and just be empty for a while. Headphones in, eyes closed, thoughts out.

He hummed along quietly to the familiar, relaxing tones.

♫ People come and they go
Some people may stay with you, though... 𝅘𝅥𝅮

[willowandoak]

...Another person.

Ren comes to a stop next to the car, looking up at Phoenix. It's still so weird to see an Akechi who's half-bird. But it's easier, right now, than seeing a fully human Akechi; it doesn't trigger as much grief. The hair, though... As Ren's eyes linger on it, he looks sadder than he realizes.

Phoenix will notice him, or not.

3

[thedevilinyourdetails]

Akira's version of Crossroads isn't officially open for business yet, but Akira knows when he's needed (or maybe the universe likes throwing him into the deep end of things, but putting it that way isn't as cool or mysterious). When his kouhai walks through the door of his bar, Akira takes one look at him and cracks open the fridge; by the time Ren's in his barstool, Akira's passing him a stirred cold rocks glass filled with half coffee, half bourbon, a dash of heavy cream, and a sprig of orange peel.

"What are you in the mood for tonight?" He asks, no judgement in his voice. "I'm still short on a few things, but I'm sure I can make something for you."

[willowandoak]

Ren picks up the glass, eyes it for a second with dim curiosity, and then tilts his head back and downs the whole thing. Although there's coffee in it, the taste is too different from Leblanc coffee to remind him of Akechi, thank fuck. He shudders as alcohol burns down his throat, but he puts the glass back down on the bar neatly enough.

"As long as it has alcohol, I don't even care, dude." He sounds as tired as he looks. "Hi," he adds belatedly.

2

[burnmydreadbabe]

The destruction is the first thing that Makoto notices before he sees what he assumes is a Persona causing the destruction in Shinjuku. It may be just cognitions, but there is a chance that whoever the Persona belongs to isn't paying attention or is actively looking to hurt the actual residents of the Velvet Room, neither of which Makoto will allow for.

Once in range he grabs his Evoker. "Orpheus, Agilao!" He sends fire in the direction of the Persona.

[willowandoak]

Ren isn't out to hurt real people, and he's paying enough attention to what's in front of him that he could pull an attack if it looked like a real person would get caught in it. But given the fixed, glazed look on his face, Makoto can't be blamed for being concerned.

But the moment Makoto summons a Persona, Ren spins round to face him, wide-eyed with shock for a split second before his expression splinters into a snarl. The agilao hits harder than he expects; maybe when he first got here he would've even had to worry about it. But it's been more than half a year since then, and Ren's had nothing to do for long periods of time but train, and train, and train. Veles takes the attack with minimal damage.

Then, without pausing in his barrage of attacks, Veles turns from the rubble of the children's home and calls down zmaj on—on Makoto, except it's not Makoto, because Makoto doesn't have a Persona and he wouldn't attack Ren. Would he? Has Ren gotten complacent again? But the fact remains Makoto doesn't have a Persona, so this is some other guy, and Ren isn't going to just stand here and get fucking attacked without defending himself.

The hits come fast. Within a second, a glowing blue-white bear swipes at Makoto with a deadly claw, a bull lowers its horned head and charges, a wolf's jaws snap shut, and finally a Western dragon unfurls its wings and breathes Almighty fire. Don't actually kill him, Ren tells Veles, which pisses Veles off, but that's as much self-control as Ren bothers to use. If new-Makoto ends up crumpled and bleeding on the ground, maybe he'll learn better than to attack random strangers out of nowhere.