October 4th

[vessel_ken_amada]

[CW: death]


It was a day where Ken was nowhere to be seen. Not in his room, the house, his old room, or anywhere he usually was. His phone was off, too. It may have seemed like he completely disappeared, had he not told Raven quickly before leaving that he'd be busy all day - just for the sake of not having a search party for him.

Someone going in that shady spot behind the Tatsumi Port Island station, however, would find him. He was there the whole day, just standing in the middle, not moving, seeming almost lifeless, his gaze lost in the void.

It was October 4th.

The day where she died.

The day where she was brutally murdered.

A scream. Sickly green hues. A giant monster suddenly appearing. Everything breaking apart. Rubble everywhere. She was shouting at him, pushing away, saving him. Blood. Terror.

...

...

Will someone approach him?

Comments

[fogboundcrow]

"...But if you made connections here, then surely..."

He stops himself. No. That isn't fair. He doesn't understand enough about Ken's circumstances back home. It's not his place to judge.

"I wonder. If your home is so miserable, is there not some agreement you could make with Igor? You could ask him to send you back home with one of us. Someone you care about, to somewhere that's a blank slate."

It's a tall ask, he knows, but surely... Isn't it worth trying?

[minipancake]

"He did give me another chance," Wagtail agrees. "But it's because of your nature, right? And the thing you've got to do? What would even happen if you didn't go back?"

With some difficulty, he resists the urge to stroke Ken's hair, like he does Raven's.

[vessel_ken_amada]

"You're right. I have something important to do, so not going back is not an option."

He starts crying again.

"I just... I need to go back. I need it now. I can't take it anymore! I couldn't even take it when I first arrived, and it's been half a year!"

[fogboundcrow]

"I'm sorry." Unsure of what else to do, Raven rests his chin on top of Ken's head. "Do you want to talk about it?"

[minipancake]

"Yeah." Wagtail, somehow, pulls Ken even closer. "If you told us what it is, maybe we could find a way through. Or maybe you'd at least feel better."

cw: suicidal ideation

[vessel_ken_amada]

At this point, Ken is not really listening. He's just letting out everything, in the warmth of his friends that makes him feel safe to do so.

"I don't want any of this!" he cries. "I don't want to be here I don't want connections I don't want any twisted comfort I don't want help! Why can't anyone understand? Just being alive is torture! I want to do what I need to do as soon as possible so that after that it can finally all end!"

cw: suicide

[fogboundcrow]

Raven recoils, letting out a pained grunt from Ken's words. Despite everything, though, he doesn't let go. It's just...

His mother. Limp. Lifeless, swaying. Gone.

And Ken... Ken's so young, and he wants...

"P-please... don't—" He clings tighter, if anything. "I can't lose you, too..."

Shit. Tears. He can't stop them. Hahaha... ha...

To think he'd unravel, when he's supposed to be strong for his friends.

[minipancake]

Behind him, Ken will feel Wagtail frantically scramble to grasp Raven's hand. It's okay. He's going to fix this; fix everything. "Raven, it's okay," he says authoritatively, sounding for a moment not unlike his older self before he turns to Ken.

"Ken, it's okay. It's okay," he says again. Everything he's wished he could say to his mother—at least the acceptable things—he summons now. "It must really be awful, huh?"

Why is it so unbearable, so painful? He wants to know.

[vessel_ken_amada]

"I... I told you... didn't I?" he says to Raven. "I... I warned you so much... but you didn't... you didn't listen. I said... I said that you shouldn't try to be my friend... because you'd get hurt."

He then takes some deep breaths, before trying to answer Wagtail.

"I can't... I can't... there's no point..."

[fogboundcrow]

Raven still holds on tight, even as the tears keep flowing. "You're still my friend." It's all he can bring himself to say, voice trembling, but absolute.

[minipancake]

"You're still our friend, Ken," he echoes, thinking of Dr Sonomura. "And you can tell us. Tell us just because you want to. Tell us because you'll feel better here and now if you do. It's not like you're the only one here who was meant to do terrible things."

Tell them, Ken.

[vessel_ken_amada]

"But..." he weakly objects when they said he was still their friend, but he doesn't even have the strength to carry on, so he drops it.

"You don't understand..." he then answers Wagtail. "I meant... I can't go on... I don't want to... there's no point..."

[fogboundcrow]

"Why isn't there a point?" Raven's voice still sounds... shaky. Certainly tired. There's no real edge, but if they can understand, perhaps they can help him.

[minipancake]

"Yeah, why isn't there a point," echoes Wagtail, rather more pointedly. "You keep saying you can't go on, there's no point. But you never tell us why."

Which means Ken thinks he can't tell them. And Wagtail's not unfamiliar with that feeling. He goes on. "If it's making you so miserable that you have to go back, maybe the thing you have to do isn't so important."

[vessel_ken_amada]

"No. The things I have to do are the only reason I'm still here in the first place."

He tries to wipe his tears.

"But... losing her... having a world that didn't care... and no hope for a good future..."

[fogboundcrow]

"Ken..." He gives Ken a little squeeze. "When I lost my mother, my whole world crumbled. It truly seemed hopeless, for a time... but that all changed. It took far too long, years, even, but with time, I was able to form genuine connections and start to heal."

Here. Let Raven wipe some of those tears, too.

"The world can be cruel, but there are good people, and it's possible to defy that cruelty."

[minipancake]

"You have got choices," Wagtail insists quietly, tightening his grip around Ken. "You have friends. People who want you to be with them. Whole other lives you could have. We know what it's like, but we found each other. I was supposed to disappear, and instead I got another chance. I made friends back home. I don't feel like I'm stuck in the dark any more."

He bites his lip. "But before I came here"—it's as good a word as any—"and before I met Raven, I didn't think there was any good in the world. Nobody wanted me back home. Not even my mother could stick around for me. I thought all I could do was survive. But I was wrong."

[vessel_ken_amada]

"But good people are at the mercy of bad people," he answers quietly. "Everything can disappear in an instant, always."

[fogboundcrow]

"It can, but that doesn't mean it will. And even if you can't protect all the innocent people in the world, you can still take small steps, not only for yourself, but for those close to you."

He glances up at the night sky, even though the city lights block out most of the stars. "One person can't and shouldn't influence the entire world. Otherwise, you get people like Dr. Maruki and worlds like Sparrow's."

[minipancake]

His lips turn down at the mention of Sparrow. "That's why we need each other, right? It's because there are bad people that we need to stick together. To protect each other. Imagine if, instead of going home to do whatever and die alone, you could go home with Raven. You're powerful. You could protect him."

And Wagtail won't be there. He has friends in his own world, good friends, better than he ever imagined, but... Raven is special. And he knows Ken knows that, too.

[vessel_ken_amada]

He opens his mouth to answer Raven, retort on the tip of his tongue, when Wagtail suddenly renders him speechless.

He opens and closes his mouth several times, words missing him.

"That's not- Igor would never agree- They would never accept me- I-"

...

"...this discussion is pointless. When I lost my humanity, I lost my ability to control my own fate. This -" he gestures at his own face "- also came with a premature expiration date."

[fogboundcrow]

"How do you know?" Yes, that's a bold thing to ask, when Raven doesn't know all the ins and outs of Ken's situation. "It sounds to me as though you're surrendering to a presumed fate, when it's possible you could fight to define your own fate and walk a different path. And for all you know, you'd be accepted with open arms."

[minipancake]

"It sounds to me like someone got into your head," Wagtail offers. "I mean... sometimes it's not even a person, you know. Sometimes it's the world making you feel like you've got no choice, like there's no hope. My—"

He swallows, struggling for a moment. "My father was like that. Raven knows."

[vessel_ken_amada]

"...I paid a price. I'm not allowed to tell more."

[fogboundcrow]

"It sounds to me like someone is forcing you into silence." Which isn't okay, and a sharpness returns to Raven's voice. "If that's the case, then you have many people here willing to help you. If we must, we can all surround Igor to ensure that he aids you."