my montage of lost things, my shining trinkets of grief

[willowandoak]

((cw: hallucinations, panic, the general poor mental state of someone with a Palace))

Ren is not exactly at his most presentable. Like, yeah, he's clean and dressed, but that's about all you can say for him. His hair is a snarl of tangles, his skin is unhealthily pale, he holds himself rigidly, and the shadows under his eyes are so dark that it looks like they might never leave. And he knows he looks bad, but by now he's beyond caring. With everything that's happening to him, someone judging his hair is the least of his fucking concerns.

He doesn't usually like to go out, these days. A lot can happen when he's out of his apartment. Too many things he can't control, and too many places that remind him of home, which lately is to be avoided at all costs. But his apartment isn't much better. There's nowhere he can look where he hasn't seen Shido, or Akechi, or Shido and Akechi, or his parents or his orphanage directors or fuck knows who else. There's nowhere he can sit where he hasn't heard their voices. And when he's not hallucinating, he's alone with his thoughts, which is worse.

All that is to say, there was a whole thing earlier where he felt like he couldn't breathe, and it sucked, but it's over now! He's fine. Still, it made him want to get out of his apartment. So here he is, out in Shibuya. And outside has turned out to be as vertiginous and full of danger as he was afraid of, but, well. At least it's different.


1. all the things that i ran from i now bring as close to me as i can

He stands with his back to the wall of a storefront and searches the constant stream of passing cognitions. His expression is fraught. He knows he hasn't really been seeing people from his past, he's not stupid, but the idea of being blindsided by a hallucinatory Shido or orphanage director amidst the crowd is terrifying enough to keep him rooted in place, watching endlessly.

2. gripping hotel sheets with gritted teeth

He's finally escaped the crowds. Curled up on the grimy concrete in a Shibuya alleyway, his knees to his chest and his back once again pressed to the wall, he tries to calm down. Akechi made him breathe, that time when he freaked out in his Palace. He tries to match the rhythm he remembers, but it just makes him think about the Palace, so he abandons that plan almost at once and goes back to waiting out the terror. He'll be fine if he just grits his teeth and endures it. That... usually works, anyway.

Comments

[willowandoak]

Something appears in his line of sight. He flinches back, startled, and only after another second does he recognize Akechi. The real one, because the hallucination doesn't do anything but give him weird looks and walk off.

Bone-deep shame wars with a pathetic level of relief. "Akechi," he says hoarsely. "Hi. Did you say something?"

He thinks he saw Akechi's lips moving. And maybe he heard his voice, faintly, under all the shouting? He's not sure.

[lakebrat]

Shit, he's never been so relieved. Ren can hear him. That's all he needs, right now. Again, he lifts his voice; he enunciates better, sounding very slightly more like many of his alternates. "I said hi, that's all. How's things with you?"

He offers his hand, for Ren to take or not; his skin gleams pale blue in the shadows.

[willowandoak]

Ren squints, watching Akechi's mouth, trying to string together meaning from the shape of his words on his lips and what little be can hear.

"How's things...? Things are great. Thanks for—for a bleeding shitting fuck's sake, shut the motherfuck up," he snaps, because now his father is on his ass for his slimy, lying nature, as if Akechi was ever going to believe that when he fucking said it.

Telling them to be quiet has no effect. It never does. Ren doesn't even know why he bothered. In exhaustion, he takes Akechi's hand.

[lakebrat]

Shut up, Goro! Shut up! Get out of here before I throw you out! For a second, he's twelve years old again, ten, eight, fifteen. Again, he forces himself to keep still, and covers Ren's hand with his own free one; he lets his thumb stroke it.

"They're being loud this evening, huh?" Obvious, sure, but obvious is good at times like this. Perhaps the warmth of his hands can draw Ren back down.

[willowandoak]

By way of response, he gives Akechi a weary look. Disheveled and exhausted, with haunted eyes, he looks more miserable than he realizes.

His hand closes around Akechi's. That, at least, is comforting. He's like a tiny child. His parents agree, loudly.

[lakebrat]

"Okay, I guess I've asked better questions in my time." Yeah, maybe it was a stupid thing to say. He glances down at the gutter Ren's sitting in, then joins him there.

Side by side, he stares up at the crack of sky visible between the tall buildings, still holding Ren's hand. Whatever. He can get as many clothes as he wants.

[willowandoak]

Ren wanted to deal with this by himself. Fight his way through his Palace, or get rid of it with sheer willpower, or something that didn't involve anyone else poking around inside his heart. But he doesn't have any Personas, and he's only getting worse. He doesn't even know what his distortion is. How can he get rid of it like this?

The words are on his lips again. Help me. Do whatever you want to do so badly, just make it fucking stop. But the thought of saying them makes his stomach roll, never mind what would come after.

"Hey," he says instead, staring at the grimy wall across from them. "Do you know what my distortion is? Not, like, the keywords."

[lakebrat]

He leans against Ren in the dark, resting his head back against the wall. "I wondered if you knew or not."

Because it seems so obvious. Even their current situation is part of it, as clear as day. Ren's distortion ties into it. Almost everything he says is part of it, has been since Akechi got here—and even before, he thinks, looking back. Was it happening all the time they knew each other?

"Can I ask you something instead? I know, I know, but...." He takes a breath. "Why are you here? In this alley, I mean. Is it Iwai?"

[willowandoak]

His parents' voices are getting quieter, now that Akechi is here. This is exactly what he didn't want: To be so dependent on Akechi that he drags him away from his own business at all hours. But in the moment, it's such a fucking relief that he doesn't even care.

"No. I just didn't like all the people on the street. It's... I don't know. Safer here."

[lakebrat]

"Mm. Safer." Craning his neck back, he sighs; he can tell the voices are quieting. It's part of Ren's voice, of the tension in his body. And Goro doesn't even care, is the thing. Sure, he'll stay with Ren if it keeps him alive. What else does he have to do here?

"Do you remember that thing we agreed not to talk about? About how you were going to run when we get back, and I was going to have to let you."

[willowandoak]

"...Yeah." He glances sidelong at Akechi, suddenly wary. He really doesn't have it in him for another argument right now, but he's not going to give in, either.

[lakebrat]

"I think that's part of it." He doesn't turn to look at Ren, but he senses his movement, his change of mood like it's there on his skin. He must pick his words so carefully, if Ren's to hear him. "Not the distortion itself, but an expression of it.

"It's why your keywords are as they are. Why Mementos would be your home, the place you belong. Because why was it that Mementos was safe for you, Ren? There were no other people there. Nobody who might see you for what you believe you are." And there it is.

[willowandoak]

He turns his head to look fully at Akechi, brow furrowed with uncertainty. It's not even that what Akechi is saying sounds unfamiliar. But. "That's not..."

How is it a distortion to think Mementos is safe because no one is there to see him? That's just true.

[lakebrat]

"Hm?" He leans closer, if anything. Tell him, Ren.

[willowandoak]

Akechi's warmth bleeds in through their layers of clothes. Ren swallows.

"That's not a distortion. That's just a fact...?"

His voice trails up at the end, an accidental question. He winces.

[lakebrat]

"Which?" They can warm each other all night in this alley, if it's what it takes. "That you belong in Mementos? That there are no people there?"

He takes a breath. "Or that nobody could value you for what you are?"

[willowandoak]

"Yes?" All of them...?

[lakebrat]

His lower hand tightens further on Ren's, almost to a claw. If any of those gods out there are trustworthy, let one hear him right now. "You said it back when we were fighting all the time. Just don't climb up the tree. Stay in the lowlands where I belong. Shit, maybe it's even why you're sitting in this alley, I don't know."

One more breath. One god to hear him, if Ren still can't. "That's your distortion, Ren. Your worthlessness. Your lack of belonging. It's not real."

[willowandoak]

For a long moment, Ren just looks at him.

"Akechi," he says at last. His tone is almost gentle. "I'm a murderer. I think if I hadn't come here, I'd have tried to kill you. Not to mention all the other shit I've done. I'm not, like, an abuse victim or something that someone's been lying to. It's just really like that for me."

Even his parents knew. They were onto something, getting him out of their house.

[lakebrat]

And finally, Goro turns his head, to see Ren's shadow looking back. Words escape before he knows it, sharp and intense, burning with the fire he usually keeps hidden without his mask. "Bullshit. That's bullshit, Ren."

Well. That won't have helped, he thinks, lifting one hand to rub his eyes. "You mind if I refer to something I saw in your Palace? It's just that... I really want to know."

Because he cares. Because Ren has value to him; he has worth.

[willowandoak]

The outburst doesn't do much harm. Ren didn't expect Akechi, of all people, to agree. Akechi is so determined to save him that he's destroying himself for it, and nothing Ren says will make him stop.

He's less happy about the Palace mention, but he doesn't have the heart to tell Akechi no. "Sure."

[lakebrat]

Okay, then. A little calmer, both reassured and not by Ren's lack of response, he squeezes his hand. "Okay. It's just... You told me you were a murderer before you ever ran into Shido. You did it for yourself, you said. Well, I know a bit about your background, and you must have been a kid." A chill enters his voice, not directed at Ren. "I can imagine one or two things that might drive a child to murder. And more than one way it might happen accidentally, if you put one in the Metaverse with no knowledge of what they were doing. But that's besides the point."

His question is softer. "Who told you you were a murderer, Ren? I saw that in there. One of the things you kept deepest in your heart. Was it Shido?"

[willowandoak]

Akechi really is desperate to know why he first killed someone, huh? Ren can tell from the way he talks about it, all the thought and speculation. But he hasn't asked, so it's not Ren's problem right now.

Unfortunately, the question he has asked is almost as bad. Ren curls in on himself a little tighter. "Yeah."

[lakebrat]

"I thought so." Despite his growl, he moves closer, following Ren; he'll put that arm he reclaimed around him, if he can, here in the dark outside the place they first met.

"But why did he need to tell you? Surely you knew what you had done? Or did you?" No, Shido will have done it to control him, to turn a boy into a weapon, or Goro knows nothing about him and his kind.

[willowandoak]

Ren leans against Akechi. For a moment, he lets himself exist silently in the moment; then he sighs.

"I knew something happened to them. I didn't know about the fucking... brain death. And drowning, or whatever. All I'd ever heard was they got sick."

His orphanage director had still been alive when he escaped, after all. In a bad state, apparently, with blood coming out of the orifices and so on, but people were freaking out for that reason. Not because he'd died.