my montage of lost things, my shining trinkets of grief

[willowandoak]

((cw: hallucinations, panic, the general poor mental state of someone with a Palace))

Ren is not exactly at his most presentable. Like, yeah, he's clean and dressed, but that's about all you can say for him. His hair is a snarl of tangles, his skin is unhealthily pale, he holds himself rigidly, and the shadows under his eyes are so dark that it looks like they might never leave. And he knows he looks bad, but by now he's beyond caring. With everything that's happening to him, someone judging his hair is the least of his fucking concerns.

He doesn't usually like to go out, these days. A lot can happen when he's out of his apartment. Too many things he can't control, and too many places that remind him of home, which lately is to be avoided at all costs. But his apartment isn't much better. There's nowhere he can look where he hasn't seen Shido, or Akechi, or Shido and Akechi, or his parents or his orphanage directors or fuck knows who else. There's nowhere he can sit where he hasn't heard their voices. And when he's not hallucinating, he's alone with his thoughts, which is worse.

All that is to say, there was a whole thing earlier where he felt like he couldn't breathe, and it sucked, but it's over now! He's fine. Still, it made him want to get out of his apartment. So here he is, out in Shibuya. And outside has turned out to be as vertiginous and full of danger as he was afraid of, but, well. At least it's different.


1. all the things that i ran from i now bring as close to me as i can

He stands with his back to the wall of a storefront and searches the constant stream of passing cognitions. His expression is fraught. He knows he hasn't really been seeing people from his past, he's not stupid, but the idea of being blindsided by a hallucinatory Shido or orphanage director amidst the crowd is terrifying enough to keep him rooted in place, watching endlessly.

2. gripping hotel sheets with gritted teeth

He's finally escaped the crowds. Curled up on the grimy concrete in a Shibuya alleyway, his knees to his chest and his back once again pressed to the wall, he tries to calm down. Akechi made him breathe, that time when he freaked out in his Palace. He tries to match the rhythm he remembers, but it just makes him think about the Palace, so he abandons that plan almost at once and goes back to waiting out the terror. He'll be fine if he just grits his teeth and endures it. That... usually works, anyway.

Comments

2

[burnmydreadbabe]

Makoto sees it out of the corner of his eye, someone darting into an alleyway in Shibuya. Heading closer to examine, it seems like that boy that had been destroying things in Shinjuku. He's all curled in on himself. Makoto hasn't done that since he was a child, right after his parents died, but he does recognize the terror that he sees in the other's body language.

Rushing down the alleyway he looks down at the boy. God he's paler than the last time Makoto saw him. "You alright? You don't have to speak at all if you don't want to."

[willowandoak]

Ren flinches back from the sudden arrival, which he hates, it makes him sick, fuck. The words and appearance of the person in front of him only register a second later; he frowns, then, and blinks up at weird-Makoto.

"...the fuck?" He squints. He hasn't hallucinated any Makotos before, so odds are this is just a really weird encounter. But he was sure this guy hated him... "Are you real?"

[burnmydreadbabe]

"Yes." Of course if he is having hallucinations there's no assurance that he'll believe Makoto is real just by saying so. "If you don't believe me I was told once hallucinations don't show up on camera, so that might work." He'd been gifted a crappy little camera when he was little for that same reason. That and he doubts that Ren will want to grab onto him at all.

[willowandoak]

"Yeah." Ren's noticed that, actually, the few times he's been uncertain and had to come up with ways to tell reality apart from hallucinations. He pulls out his phone and opens the camera app.

Makoto is there on his screen, frowning down at him. Ren takes a picture and looks at his phone from another angle, just to be sure; the image doesn't change. He wonders sometimes whether this would still work for someone who has an actual disorder, instead of someone who's just seeing Palace shit. But it doesn't matter, he supposes.

More to the point. "What are you even doing here?"

[burnmydreadbabe]

"I saw you...well I guess not you you but someone sneak down this alleyway." He's not going to leave someone so clearly in need of help though. "What's got you seeing ghosts?" Figures that's as good a place as any to getting him help.

2 (trapped in a cage that isn't yours / holds the fingerprints of your anguish without a trace)

[thedevilinyourdetails]

...It's been a long, long time since Akira last recognized someone collapsed in an alleyway. So long that, for a moment, he forgets.

He takes a drag of his lit cigarette and sits down on the other side of the alleyway. The dirt here isn't the cold comfort it used to be, but that's okay. He's sat in worse grime for worse reasons.

[willowandoak]

Ren doesn't react at once. Only after a long moment does he finally stir and focus not on Akira's face but on the embers of the cigarette between his fingers. He doesn't know if he can look Akira in the eyes right now. It's not just where they are at the moment, it's that Akira's been in his Palace.

"Hi, senpai." He runs his fingers through his hair, only to wince when they get caught halfway through. The time he combed his hair was... last week? He thinks?

[tricksterfiend]

... Someone smells of fear nearby.

No, not fear, Ren corrects himself, flicking his tongue to get a better taste. Fear isn't bluntly acidic as this is, no. This, this smells of panic. Terror. Cold sweat, harsh breaths. There is a real person nearby, and it doesn't take long to find them. Curled up in an alleyway, a prey animal.

There's a version of him.

His more demonic side demands he take advantage of this weakened state, but he pushes it down with a sigh, tattoos pulsing as he approaches the other him. Which one this is, he doesn't know, but he supposes that doesn't matter. Should he say something? Should he help? Can he help? He wonders.

(The memory of realizing just how inhuman he'd become surfaces to his mind. Panic, with nobody who would even look at him. His demons had just been confused, and stared at him, and the humans... the less said about them the better. Wishing someone, anyone would notice, or care, or anything at all.)

The other's breathing only seems to increase in speed- that's no good. That won't help. He crouches down, trying to catch the others' eye. The other's stare is glazed over and glassy. Ren wonders what he's seeing, if he's seeing anything at all.

"Hey," he says, snapping his fingers, but then he stalls. He doesn't know what else to say. "... Look at me," he settles on, tattoos slowly pulsing cyan, brighter, then dimmer.

[willowandoak]

What the actual shitting fuck. "What," Ren manages, but then he runs out of air and has to stop. He stares at the... the fucking apparition in front of him, his yellow eyes and the glowing lines tracing down his skin.

Yellow eyes. And the hallucinations, which began when he started to develop a Palace. There's only one logical conclusion. He sucks in a breath and manages to say, "Are you my Shadow?"

[tricksterfiend]

Ren raises his eyebrow. Is he- oh. Right. The eyes.

"No. I'm a demi-fiend. Demon." he says bluntly, staring at the other Ren. Still, that's not good, if he thinks he has a Shadow. Isn't he a Persona user?

Ah, fuck, this isn't helping. The taste of panic chokes the air. "Breathe slower. You're making yourself worse." Blunt. Commanding. The only way he knows how to do things anymore.

[willowandoak]

Yeah, he knows he's making himself worse, but he can't—he can't do anything about it, which is always the fucking problem, now that he puts it like that. He chokes on a despairing laugh.

"Demon. Cool. Obviously." Breathe. In and out. Why is it that he can kill upwards of a hundred people but breathing is too much to ask? "Are you a new..." Pause for breath, fuck, this is stupid— "...new hallucination?"

Like. He doesn't know. There's another demon here already, and he can't even say whether this guy or Phoenix looks weirder. But he's been seeing a lot of weird shit that's not real, too.

[tricksterfiend]

... Hallucination? This version of him is doing pretty shit, huh.

"No." Pause. "Name's Ren. Or Fiend. Take your pick."

He's struggling to breathe still, and Ren tilts his head. His yellow eyes pierce through the other Ren, hearing the other's heart beat in his chest, too rapid. Hard to say if he'll believe Ren on his word.

"What happened?" he ends up asking. He's not good at it now, but just talking... maybe. It helps. He used to be good at that. Listening and talking. It helped others, didn't it? What else was there?

[gorobo]

With his mandatory break, Falcon ends up wandering Shibuya anyways. He's been needing some fresh cleaning product for his mesh, since he's just about out of his current batch (thanks, Renée and Phoenix). Drake's Palace looms at the edge of his awareness, a constant reminder of his current mission.

All seems normal; the crowd of cognitions is as thick as always, but then he catches something from the corner of his eye, and he turns his head towards it.

He freezes as he makes eye contact with his current mission; standing against a storefront, back flush against the wall. What's he doing out here?

[willowandoak]

All the color drains from Ren's face when he sees Falcon, and he shrinks back against the wall even more. Falcon doesn't just know about his Palace, he's been in there, he's seen the house and maybe the fucking words—

Ren should... he should do something. But his mind is a field of blank static.

[gorobo]

Ren visibly pales when he sees him, shrinking in place.

Okay- something is definitely wrong. Falcon holds no love for the guy, after what he aided in doing to him, and at least part of him feel vindicated in Drake's fear of him. Good. He should be afraid, he should fear seeing Falcon, after what he did, how he helped them mess with his head-

Oh, for fuck's sake. He looks like a kicked dog. Not just that- he's panicking, Falcon's scanners picking up on all the signs. Is he obligated to help?

Goddammit. He probably is, now that he's taken up guard duty of the Palace. Even if he's on break, making sure that Drake doesn't get himself killed from a panic attack probably is included in that, huh.

Goddammit.

"Hey. You don't look too good," he says, slowly approaching, swallowing down his own apprehension regarding Drake. "Did something happen?"

[willowandoak]

Ren is not going to run. He might be a pathetic piece of shit currently, but he can at least stay in one spot, although watching Falcon's approach feels like sitting at home and counting down the days until November 19th. He can hear his heartbeat in his ears.

"What do you mean, did something happen." His voice cracks. No running, and no pulling his gun and shooting until the problem goes away. Fine. He's got this. It's fine. "I have—"

Shido appears behind Falcon, just for a second, a face in the crowd. His mouth curls in a cruel little smile as he meets Ren's eyes; then he's gone, vanished into the sea of cognitions again, but the damage is done. Ren makes a tiny, terrified noise.

[gorobo]

Ren's words stall, a small noise leaving his throat, and Falcon freezes, an uncomfortable feeling riding through his wires. Ren's eyes are those of a cornered animal, frozen in place by terror, and it got worse the moment Falcon started approaching. That feels... wrong. That's nothing like the person he'd met before.

He may not have a Persona to defend himself right now, sure, but is Falcon that intimidating to him?

Oh, for fuck's-

"I'm not going to hurt you," Falcon says, trying not to sound annoyed. "if I wanted to, I would have already. What's going through that head of yours?"

2

[pancakeboy]

Listen, Magpie didn't ask for this shit. He's on his way to the library, mercifully alone, and there is that guy twitching at the end of an alley like a Shinjuku junkie.

Acid fills his throat. He doesn't give a shit about that guy, or his Palace; is in fact doing his best to do no more than ascertain the bare facts of it. He wants to get the keywords out of Crow, show up at the entrance, and throw that guy inside. See if his own Shadow will eat him, like the ones in the TV world. That would be good.

But there are eyes boring into his spine again, into the nape of his neck. Some very, very like his own, and one pair that he ignores, a dark blue-grey that refuses to plead for mercy. And, deep down, like a thorn in his heart, more of him than he finds convenient still knows not to kick someone when they're down.

He lifts his voice, angry with himself. "Hey."

[willowandoak]

This day just keeps getting better. Ren should've stayed at home.

He cringes at the sound of Akechi's voice, rough and disdainful and wrong in a way that can only belong to one person. He wishes he could dismiss it as a hallucination, but every Magpie hallucination he's had has been of the kid. He hasn't even seen the real Magpie in person since December, except in passing now and then, and that one time that might or might not have been Magpie on a motorcycle. Mostly, they've had text messages and phone calls, and each one of them more of a delight than the last. This is gonna go equally well, he's sure.

His stomach churns. He doesn't even look up, just drops his head to rest against his knees. "What."

[pancakeboy]

Folding his arms, he leans against the wall. "You look like shit. Do you need"—he hesitates for a long moment before shifting away from help—"anything?"

Pathetic, Akechi. Well, let it be. When has he been anything else?

[willowandoak]

After a moment of blank incomprehension, Ren lifts his head to squint at Magpie in confusion. Yeah, that's definitely normal-aged Magpie, not the kid speaking with a deep voice, but what he's saying is more bizarre than the stuff Ren's been hearing from his head lately.

"Are you, like. Magpie cognition, second edition? Or are you the real guy?"

2

[lakebrat]

Not all that long after Magpie makes his precipitate departure, another Akechi appears, checking Shibuya's alleys one by one. His silhouette appears, in the light of the Velvet Room door.

[willowandoak]

Ren doesn't even notice. He sits with his legs hugged to his chest. His head, propped on his knees, is turned sideways to stare unseeing out into the alley as he listens to his parents' voices.

They have a lot to say today. He remembers Magpie saying some of the same stuff earlier, word for word.

[lakebrat]

And Goro doesn't see him in the half-light, so much as he knows him, would know if he were truly blind. Tower. Destruction. Misery, deception, ruin. He takes a slow step forward, as if feeling his way—then sees him against the wall. He forces himself to walk closer and not run, to sound calm and not panicked. "Hey, Ren."

Just a normal evening, sure. Just the two of them. But can Ren even hear him?

[willowandoak]

What's your plan, then? To die in that gutter?

"Yeah, probably, Mom," he says, too exhausted to keep himself from speaking aloud. " 's what happens when you kick a kid out."

Don't blame us for your own nature, his father shouts. Why would we have kept something like you around?

It's a fair point. Ren doesn't have a response. He can't hear anything else, even his own voice, really.