personavelvetroomdr | my montage of lost things, my shining trinkets of grief

((cw: hallucinations, panic, the general poor mental state of someone with a Palace))

Ren is not exactly at his most presentable. Like, yeah, he's clean and dressed, but that's about all you can say for him. His hair is a snarl of tangles, his skin is unhealthily pale, he holds himself rigidly, and the shadows under his eyes are so dark that it looks like they might never leave. And he knows he looks bad, but by now he's beyond caring. With everything that's happening to him, someone judging his hair is the least of his fucking concerns.

He doesn't usually like to go out, these days. A lot can happen when he's out of his apartment. Too many things he can't control, and too many places that remind him of home, which lately is to be avoided at all costs. But his apartment isn't much better. There's nowhere he can look where he hasn't seen Shido, or Akechi, or Shido and Akechi, or his parents or his orphanage directors or fuck knows who else. There's nowhere he can sit where he hasn't heard their voices. And when he's not hallucinating, he's alone with his thoughts, which is worse.

All that is to say, there was a whole thing earlier where he felt like he couldn't breathe, and it sucked, but it's over now! He's fine. Still, it made him want to get out of his apartment. So here he is, out in Shibuya. And outside has turned out to be as vertiginous and full of danger as he was afraid of, but, well. At least it's different.

1. all the things that i ran from i now bring as close to me as i can

He stands with his back to the wall of a storefront and searches the constant stream of passing cognitions. His expression is fraught. He knows he hasn't really been seeing people from his past, he's not stupid, but the idea of being blindsided by a hallucinatory Shido or orphanage director amidst the crowd is terrifying enough to keep him rooted in place, watching endlessly.

2. gripping hotel sheets with gritted teeth

He's finally escaped the crowds. Curled up on the grimy concrete in a Shibuya alleyway, his knees to his chest and his back once again pressed to the wall, he tries to calm down. Akechi made him breathe, that time when he freaked out in his Palace. He tries to match the rhythm he remembers, but it just makes him think about the Palace, so he abandons that plan almost at once and goes back to waiting out the terror. He'll be fine if he just grits his teeth and endures it. That... usually works, anyway.

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"What?" Falcon asks. He keeps himself as neutral and non-hostile as possible, swallowing down any annoyance. "No, do ask."

The sooner they get this over with, the better.

Ren doesn't look particularly reassured, but he weighs his options and decides it's better to at least ask. Worst case, Falcon blows his head off with his finger guns and he respawns in the Velvet Room like a video game character—and for all he knows, maybe Falcon will say yes.

"I know I'm not in a position to ask for favors," he says carefully. "But you're working with Frog on the same... project." Project Deal With Ren's Palace, unfortunately. "And I'm worried about how hard he's been going. I wanted to ask if you could maybe look out for him? I can owe you for it."

For a moment, Falcon stares at Ren- because really now. Really.

"You're right. You're not," he doesn't quite snap. He's trying to be nice here! ... Somewhat.

But, also, it sounds like an earnest request. It's not like Falcon particularly likes or dislikes Frog (even if he can come off a little... high and mighty, sometimes). So what the hell.

"But I suppose that's not an unreasonable favor," Falcon says, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. "Fine. I'll check up on him."

As for Ren owing him... he'll think of something.

"I'll ask for a favor in return at another time." Since this clearly isn't the moment, and- well. Asking Ren for favors when he's in this bad of a state feels... wrong. Manipulative.

So yeah. Later.

He lets out a slow breath. "Okay. Thanks. Hit me up whenever."

He's kind of surprised that it worked, but as long as someone's looking out for Akechi, he's not going to complain. He would do it himself, if Akechi would just let him.

He hasn't at any point apologized to Falcon, nor does he intend to. But he can't blame Falcon for how he feels, either.

"Yeah. Sure."

He doesn't say 'no problem', because that'd be a lie. He also fully intends to collect on the debt as soon as Ren's Palace has been cleared.

What a pain in the ass this whole debacle has turned out to be. He almost regrets getting involved at all. Still, even assholes like Ren don't deserve to have their heads forcefully messed with.

He better be fucking grateful when all this is said and done.

Ren sighs, slumping back in his chair. It is easier, being somewhere with fewer people. Less scary. He can process the situation a little better, and how fucking... bizarre it is.

"I know what Frog said," he says after a moment. His gaze is still distant, not quite there, but it looks like he's focusing better than he was in the street. "But why are you helping me? If I were you, I'd leave me to rot."

That's the question of the hour, isn't it? It's true, he doesn't particularly like Drake. Hell, if Drake went and disappeared from this place and Falcon never had to see him again, he certainly wouldn't mind in the slightest.

However.

"If you know what Frog said, why even ask?" he says shortly, prickly. "Having experienced it myself, as you well know," he hisses with a glare. (He's letting his temper get the better of him, but in this moment, he doesn't particularly care anymore) "I firmly believe nobody deserves to have their minds messed with, and unfortunately, that includes yourself. I won't compromise my own beliefs just because you're a piece of shit."

Drake's not even the worst piece of shit he's met, but then, Shido and his cronies are a high bar to clear

"Frog could've softened it. To avoid upsetting me or something."

He considers Falcon across the table, not particularly offended. He wouldn't normally be hurt, either, not by those words from Falcon's mouth, but right now, I won't compromise my own beliefs just because you're a piece of shit sits under his skin like a splinter.

"You two have a lot in common," he says quietly. "Not so much with talking gently, but the moral stuff. Don't tell me that's stupid. Not all of you are like that."

Not that his Akechi could say I firmly believe nobody deserves to have their minds messed with without getting laughed off the stage. It's more a general devotion to their beliefs that they share, in Ren's eyes. A stubbornness.

"Hmph. Does he do that a lot? Can't imagine that's very enjoyable."

Falcon certainly wouldn't like it if someone minced their words to avoid upsetting him. Even in his worst moments, he'd rather hear the truth, and the full truth only.

Still, Falcon stares at Drake as he muses about his and Frog's similarities.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he looks away, arms crossed. "I simply stick to my own justice. That's all."

Does that make him similar to Frog? He doesn't really know. He doesn't know the guy well enough to tell, and he's not sure Drake's in the proper state of mind to make that judgement.

"And you don't think you share that with the leader of the Phantom Thieves?"

Ren's obviously not in a great state of mind, yeah, but he's not so out of it that he can't draw that comparison.

Falcon's eyes narrow.

"Do not," he hisses, "compare me to people who brainwash others."

...the fuck? It seems like it should be obvious that Ren wasn't calling Falcon a brainwasher. But, keeping in mind his role in the Falcon operation, he doesn't start an argument with the guy about it.

"Is that how you feel about them?" he says instead. It's not even that he doesn't get it, given Falcon's experiences, but— "Aren't there two, maybe three Phantom Thief leaders on Frog's team? How the hell does he expect you all to fight together?"

"It is what they do, isn't it?" he bites back. "Brainwash people into becoming groveling, miserable shells of themselves. Some fucking justice."

And that is genuinly how he feels. How can there be any satisfaction in fundementally changing the person who hurt you into someone- something else? Falcon doesn't get it. They should pay retribution as themselves, and themselves alone.

(Or maybe, he refuses to get it.)

"Still," he continues, at Ren's question, "I will put aside my... grievances with their methods if it means keeping them from screwing shit up, no matter how well-intended."

It clearly isn't so much that Falcon's there to work with them, but rather to keep an eye on them, and to stop them if they do try anything. It just so happens that, so far, going along with their plans has been more beneficial than the alternative.

That, and he doesn't actually know how stealing hearts works, but he's not about to share that.

my montage of lost things, my shining trinkets of grief

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