October 4th

[vessel_ken_amada]

[CW: death]


It was a day where Ken was nowhere to be seen. Not in his room, the house, his old room, or anywhere he usually was. His phone was off, too. It may have seemed like he completely disappeared, had he not told Raven quickly before leaving that he'd be busy all day - just for the sake of not having a search party for him.

Someone going in that shady spot behind the Tatsumi Port Island station, however, would find him. He was there the whole day, just standing in the middle, not moving, seeming almost lifeless, his gaze lost in the void.

It was October 4th.

The day where she died.

The day where she was brutally murdered.

A scream. Sickly green hues. A giant monster suddenly appearing. Everything breaking apart. Rubble everywhere. She was shouting at him, pushing away, saving him. Blood. Terror.

...

...

Will someone approach him?

Comments

[minipancake]

Shit. That's big. Wagtail comes closer, sliding an arm around Ken from his other side. We're here. "What are you going to do about it?"

Mixed feelings wobble inside him. He saved my life, he remembers Ken back home saying. I couldn't do anything.

[vessel_ken_amada]

Ken starts shaking again, but the support from the other two helps, so it doesn't get too bad.

"Right now?" He gives a sour laugh. "Nothing. What can I do? I'm still trapped here."

[fogboundcrow]

"But you have us, and you have time to... process, I suppose. Crow may have more information, even if he did keep it from you at first."

Raven blows a soft sigh, still holding Ken close. "He went to find you because he cares. He may have been... misguided, but he has all of our memories together, too."

[minipancake]

"Not to say you're wrong to be mad about it," adds Wagtail, perhaps unhelpfully. "It's your mother. You deserved to know. You should have known. But let's be honest, Crow was never going to tell you."

If he'd known, would he have told Ken? He thinks he would have, in the end. Not without the whole story, but he'd have told him. Maybe he hasn't learned as much as people say.

[vessel_ken_amada]

"I've had way too much time here already," he answers Raven, grumbling. "Let's be honest, Igor is never going to let me go."

He is a bit relieved that Wagtail seems to understand how hurtful this whole thing is.

[fogboundcrow]

"What makes you so sure?" It's important to let Ken speak. He deserves to get these thoughts out.

[minipancake]

Wagtail listens, still with a telltale crease between his eyebrows. Mothers are important.

[vessel_ken_amada]

Ken's voice trembles a little.

"It's been so long... I've been hurting so much... and he doesn't care."

[fogboundcrow]

"We care." Here... He'll wrap his other arm around Ken, giving him a proper hug. "Whatever you need to say, whatever you need to do... we're here for you."

[minipancake]

Yeah, this is no good. Wagtail's other arm goes tight around Ken, and he shuffles close. "Which he? Crow? Or...."

Or Igor, who pretty clearly cares about them in a dangerous way, if at all.

[vessel_ken_amada]

"Igor," he spits. "He's content keeping me trapped here. He doesn't care how long it is or how much I suffer. He just wants to control me."

[fogboundcrow]

"That isn't fair. You aren't some puppet..." It's important to state that. To express it. "But if I had to guess, he believes you needed connections, safety, and comfort and didn't consider how damaging bringing you here would be."

[minipancake]

"Or he wanted to keep you from making a mistake." Wagtail's arms are close and warm around Ken; he won't let go. "Not that he's got the right to just step in. To give us no choice. But...."

He sighs again, thinking of Ken back at the dorm; of the defeated way he'd talked sometimes. You were right to want to kill him, Wagtail had insisted. He deserved it, every bit. And Ken had just....

[vessel_ken_amada]

"You're right," he tells Wagtail. "He has no right to decide for us."

But it's what Raven says that hits a sore spot.

"That's exactly part of the problem! That's part of the torture he imposes on me! To show me all these things that are only possible in his controlled world and that I could never get in real life!"

[fogboundcrow]

"...But if you made connections here, then surely..."

He stops himself. No. That isn't fair. He doesn't understand enough about Ken's circumstances back home. It's not his place to judge.

"I wonder. If your home is so miserable, is there not some agreement you could make with Igor? You could ask him to send you back home with one of us. Someone you care about, to somewhere that's a blank slate."

It's a tall ask, he knows, but surely... Isn't it worth trying?

[minipancake]

"He did give me another chance," Wagtail agrees. "But it's because of your nature, right? And the thing you've got to do? What would even happen if you didn't go back?"

With some difficulty, he resists the urge to stroke Ken's hair, like he does Raven's.

[vessel_ken_amada]

"You're right. I have something important to do, so not going back is not an option."

He starts crying again.

"I just... I need to go back. I need it now. I can't take it anymore! I couldn't even take it when I first arrived, and it's been half a year!"

[fogboundcrow]

"I'm sorry." Unsure of what else to do, Raven rests his chin on top of Ken's head. "Do you want to talk about it?"

[minipancake]

"Yeah." Wagtail, somehow, pulls Ken even closer. "If you told us what it is, maybe we could find a way through. Or maybe you'd at least feel better."

cw: suicidal ideation

[vessel_ken_amada]

At this point, Ken is not really listening. He's just letting out everything, in the warmth of his friends that makes him feel safe to do so.

"I don't want any of this!" he cries. "I don't want to be here I don't want connections I don't want any twisted comfort I don't want help! Why can't anyone understand? Just being alive is torture! I want to do what I need to do as soon as possible so that after that it can finally all end!"

cw: suicide

[fogboundcrow]

Raven recoils, letting out a pained grunt from Ken's words. Despite everything, though, he doesn't let go. It's just...

His mother. Limp. Lifeless, swaying. Gone.

And Ken... Ken's so young, and he wants...

"P-please... don't—" He clings tighter, if anything. "I can't lose you, too..."

Shit. Tears. He can't stop them. Hahaha... ha...

To think he'd unravel, when he's supposed to be strong for his friends.

[minipancake]

Behind him, Ken will feel Wagtail frantically scramble to grasp Raven's hand. It's okay. He's going to fix this; fix everything. "Raven, it's okay," he says authoritatively, sounding for a moment not unlike his older self before he turns to Ken.

"Ken, it's okay. It's okay," he says again. Everything he's wished he could say to his mother—at least the acceptable things—he summons now. "It must really be awful, huh?"

Why is it so unbearable, so painful? He wants to know.

[vessel_ken_amada]

"I... I told you... didn't I?" he says to Raven. "I... I warned you so much... but you didn't... you didn't listen. I said... I said that you shouldn't try to be my friend... because you'd get hurt."

He then takes some deep breaths, before trying to answer Wagtail.

"I can't... I can't... there's no point..."

[fogboundcrow]

Raven still holds on tight, even as the tears keep flowing. "You're still my friend." It's all he can bring himself to say, voice trembling, but absolute.

[minipancake]

"You're still our friend, Ken," he echoes, thinking of Dr Sonomura. "And you can tell us. Tell us just because you want to. Tell us because you'll feel better here and now if you do. It's not like you're the only one here who was meant to do terrible things."

Tell them, Ken.